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I needed some type of win, something that would make me feel again. Things at that time were

bleak and everything was grey, as Saba would say. I didn’t know it at that time, but I was asking

God to make things easier for me. Remove the pressure off my heart, the monkey off my back,

the sadness from my eyes.

I’ve come a long way since February–ask anyone who loves me, they’ll merch me.

I feel like I’m finally making that transition from thinking, being, and acting like a girl to becoming

a woman who has her own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A woman who just says it now without a second thought. I’m finally fed up with the bullshit and want to put it behind me.

It’s been a very liberating experience, but it has come with a cost…a lot of costs actually.

But I have truly been learning from it. I proved it to myself two weeks ago.

I was in a situation where I had to potentially be around people who did not make me feel safe.

That has put me in situations that were dangerous to me and even to my child. I haven’t had to

deal with that since April and had worked very, very hard to get to a place where I could function

and put it in the back of my mind. It may sound extreme, but it was really like that.

I thought about just canceling my plans, triggered and didn’t know if I was truly over it. I was

second guessing myself again–something I worked so hard to stop doing. I really wanted to go

though. I had been excited to go since March.

I needed to go.

I literally had to tell myself I was going to support someone who cares about me and who loves

me IN REAL LIFE, as my good sis Juanita would say. So, why put that to the side for people

who don’t care about me? I had to ask myself this out loud, and answer.

It made me realize that I cannot let people have power over my mind like that. I was in

realization that I had allowed this situation to take over my life so much that I forgot that I had

control. I was literally about to tell my friends I was going to have to sit this one out because I

wasn’t “feeling good.” And the craziest part was, I’d be in bed crying, shaking, throwing up,

while everyone else would be having a time.

Who really wins?

That was a hard realization to come to. That look in the mirror that you had to do when you have

to be real with yourself. When this happens, it's a precious moment because you have the

choice to really learn the lesson or slide back into that cycle of isolation, anxiety, and doubt.

Don’t stress yourself out thinking this has to be an overnight thing. It took me 5 years and my

mama and auntie dying to get it.

And that’s me being real with myself.

So… I ended up going with my bestie, and we connected with her bestie. We met her at the bar

and had a time. The show was beautiful and it ended up being one of the most fun evenings I

have had in a long time.

What I’m trying to say is, don’t allow someone or a situation to take your mind, peace, and

sense of security. It takes time and work to get there, but you have to create space for yourself

to be able to do that work. You have to be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel, give

yourself grace, as well as be real with yourself.

Lean on the people who love you in real life and who got you in real life, cause you’re gonna

need them.

But I promise you, it is worth it in the end.

To have your sense of security back.

To have your identity back.

To have your power back…

Allow yourself grace and be well.

og.