The Healing Nature of Witness: 7 Ways to Be Present and Truly See Our Sisters
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By Stephanie C. Burton, MA, MSEd, LMHC, Guest Contributor
When a sister friend is experiencing domestic violence, we often find ourselves caught between two fears: doing too much and not doing enough. We want to protect her. We want the abuse to stop. Seeing someone we love experience abuse can leave us feeling helpless, angry, and afraid… but supporting her requires us to confront an uncomfortable truth: If we are not careful, we might allow our sense of urgency and our own discomfort to lead us into action that unintentionally causes additional harm. As her friend, it is most important that we support her reclamation of her autonomy, instead of running the risk of further infringement upon it.
As a licensed mental health professional, I recognize that domestic violence can profoundly distort a person’s sense of identity, confidence, and their ability to trust themselves and others. With this in mind, I want to share seven ways we can practice showing up well for our sisters that go beyond good intentions, and move towards emotional attunement, supporting our sister’s sense of personal autonomy and a commitment to always treating our sisters with kindness and respect.
1. Understand That Abuse Is About Power and Control
Domestic violence is not limited to physical harm. Abuse may involve emotional degradation, financial restriction, sexual coercion, intimidation, isolation, threats, surveillance, or spiritual manipulation.
Over time, these experiences can begin to shape one’s way of being. We might notice our sisters freezing, fawning (appeasing), withdrawing, or becoming hypervigilant. These behaviors may reflect her nervous system attempting to survive ongoing threats.
What we observe may actually be strategies she’s carefully developed for self-protection. She may become quiet because speaking up has previously resulted in violence. She may apologize excessively because doing so has helped de-escalate conflict. She may distance herself from you, and other friends, because maintaining the relationship has become dangerous due to the demands of her abusive partner.
Rather than labeling these behaviors as problems to correct, it’s important that we understand their protective purpose. They are, in fact, intelligent survival strategies. Survival strategies deserve compassion instead of becoming the subject of criticism. No amount of changing oneself can guarantee that an abusive partner will stop being abusive. Responsibility for abuse always belongs to the person causing harm.
2. Believe Her Without Asking Her to Prove Her Pain
When she discloses to you the abuse, first recognize the emotional risk involved in trusting you with something so personal. Her willingness to share may indicate she sees you as someone safe. Honor her trust with humility and compassion.
She may already be experiencing feelings of shame, fear, and uncertainty about whether anyone will believe her. Making her feel as though she is being interrogated may cause further emotional harm and retraumatization. You might try offering affirmations like:
“I believe you, sis.”
“You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Always.”
“You didn’t make them do this. They made harmful choices.”
“Sis, thank you for trusting me.”
Being a safe person also means recognizing that her story is not yours to tell. Respect her privacy. Similarly, suspecting she is experiencing abuse is not an invitation to dig for information.
You might also express genuine concern without making the conversation about yourself. You might try saying something like: “Sis, my heart hurts for you. I’m concerned about your safety. What would feel supportive for you right now?” She might not have a clear answer, and that’s ok. It can be helpful to let her know she doesn’t have to know what she needs right now. Believing her may be all she needs at that moment.
Believing her also means resisting the urge to question her judgment, or demand details she isn’t ready to share. It’s important to build trust through consistency, discretion, and respect for her boundaries, particularly because her boundaries have repeatedly been violated within the abusive relationship. Having relationships where her “no” is honored can offer her a sense of safety and empowerment.
3. Resist the Urge to Fix Everything
When a sister friend is hurting, our instinct may be to intervene immediately. We might want to insist she leave, confront her partner, contact authorities, or we might attempt to create a plan without her permission or input. Although these actions may come from a place of genuine concern, they can intensify the lost sense of autonomy that she may already be feeling. These actions may also increase danger.
One central principle of trauma-informed care is restoring choice and control. As a clinician, I cannot decide that clients must leave their relationships, but I can create space for their stories, offer guidance and witness to the development of their personal understanding of the relationship, assess safety, and help them explore options without imposing my preferences. Friends can practice this same principle.
Instead of saying things like, “You need to leave,” you might ask, “What options have you been considering?” Instead of saying “I’m calling the police,” ask her, “Are you safe right now? What kind of help would you like?” These questions honor autonomy while expressing concern.
Immediate danger may require emergency intervention. Otherwise, avoid taking decisions out of her hands. Instead, support her ability to make decisions safely.
4. Consider the Complexities
We generally enter relationships hoping for love, companionship, security, and belonging. We don’t tend to go into relationships anticipating abuse. Abuse may emerge gradually, and before you know it, a substantial amount of time has passed. The decision to leave, then, may involve weighing financial insecurity, potential threats, children and custody battles, housing concerns, emotional attachment, or fear of retaliation.
The key for us as supportive friends is to practice being emotionally attuned to what she may be communicating to us. This doesn’t mean you have to become a mind reader. It requires being fully present with her, paying attention not only to what she says but also to what she may be struggling to put into words.
If you’re unsure whether you’ve understood what she’s communicating, there’s nothing wrong with gently asking for clarification. You might ask, “What I’m hearing you say is ________. Am I understanding you correctly?” This, followed by, “I hear you” or “That makes sense” is sometimes enough. By acknowledging her experience, it doesn’t mean you are condoning abuse. It means you are creating space for her story to be heard, understood, and held with care.
Survivors may blame themselves for not recognizing the abuse sooner. Instead of reinforcing that shame, remind her that she could not have known everything the relationship would become. There may be a possibility that she responds with something like, “I don’t feel like I deserve better.” Instead of immediately trying to convince her otherwise, simply allow her space to say how she feels aloud and have it witnessed without rushing to rescue her from the feeling. It can feel healing having our pain acknowledged without someone demanding that we move beyond it before we’re ready. In the moment, if she feels safe, you might reach out and offer to hold her hand, or hug her to offer a physical sense of comfort and grounding in her tender moment.
5. Recognize Cultural Pressures That Complicate Seeking Help
Domestic violence does not occur outside cultural, racial, religious, and social contexts. For some Black women, seeking help involves navigating expectations of strength, loyalty, privacy, and protecting the family. Messages such as “What happens in this house stays in this house,” “Pray about it,” or “Don’t give up on your marriage” can discourage disclosure and reinforce silence. The Strong Black Woman schema can make vulnerability feel like failure, particularly when a woman has spent her life being praised only for her resilience and her capacity to endure even in the face of harm. We have to stop romanticizing resilience to the point of normalizing suffering.
Black women may also have legitimate concerns about racial bias in law enforcement, child welfare systems, and other institutions intended to provide protection. Faith can offer tremendous strength, but it should never be used to justify abuse, demand premature forgiveness, or pressure someone to remain unsafe. Culturally responsive support recognizes that safety and healing must be understood within the full context of someone’s life.
6. Offer Practical Support
Sometimes the most meaningful support is practical. Offer transportation, childcare, help locating resources, or companionship during appointments when safe and welcome. Be flexible about communication. Abusive partners may monitor phones, messages, or social media. Ask what methods of contact are safe, and avoid sending revealing information without permission.
As a supportive sister friend, directly confronting the abusive partner, or trying to arrange an escape on your own, or without consent and input from your sister could also create greater risk of harm. A domestic violence advocate can assist with individualized safety planning, particularly because separation may increase risk of further harm. Remember that leaving does not automatically end the emotional impact of abuse. Survivors may grieve the relationship, question themselves, or experience conflicting emotions long after reaching physical safety.
7. Take Care of Yourself, Too
Supporting a sister experiencing domestic violence can take an emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual toll. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, recognize it as a sign of your humanity and perhaps a reminder that you need support, too. You are allowed to maintain boundaries. Rest, nourish yourself, and stay connected to people who honor your heart as you seek to honor your friend’s heart. We all need community when life becomes heavy.
It’s also important to remember, you can seek guidance without sharing someone else’s private story.
When seeking support for yourself, put the focus on your experience of supporting your sister andwhat you need to remain grounded, instead of sharing details about your sister’s relationship.
The Bottom Line
We often focus on finding the perfect words, but maybe the more important question is: “What does my presence communicate? Does it communicate judgment or dignity? Pressure or possibility? Control or choice?” Being a safe person means you refuse to make your presence a space where she must defend, explain, or diminish herself.
A survivor may not remember every piece of advice you offered, but she will remember that you believed her, respected her boundaries, recognized and respected her survival strategies, and did not humiliate her for staying. True support is not measured by how quickly we persuade our sister to do what we believe is best. It is reflected in how consistently we help her experience the safety, dignity, connection, and agency that abuse has attempted to take away.
If you, or someone you know is seeking support, The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides confidential assistance and safety-planning resources at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), by texting START to 88788, or at thehotline.org. If your communications may be monitored, use a safer device when possible. Another local resource in Northeast Indiana is the Center for Nonviolence. Connecting with an advocate can provide support for survivors and those who care about them.
If you are looking for a therapist in your area, the following directories can help you find someone who is a good therapeutic match for you:
https://www.cliniciansofcolor.org https://www.blacktherapistlist.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists?category=african-american
https://www.nabcounselors.org/Find-A-Counselor
https://wellness.beam.community/
https://www.blacktherapistsmatter.com/
*This article is educational and does not replace individualized clinical care or safety planning.*